Courtship or Dating

                                                                                                      By Blackson Makhumba
Successful marriage begins with courtship. Thus, the relationship between a husband and wife has its roots in courtship before entering into marriage vows. David, the Psalmist is giving us a beautiful godly romantic call into courtship; “O magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together” (Psalm 34:3).Courtship must be a commencement of worshipping God together which may, eventually, last forever for the partners.

 Dating vs. Courtship
Study and experience have shown that there is a great difference between courtship (biblical trend) and dating (modern trend). However, both dating and courtship involving partners does something together, yet with different intentions.

Dr. Wyatt Fisher, a Christian psychologist in Denver in USA states that there is a great debate going on around courtship versus dating. He explains that the definition and meaning of courtship may sound outdated to some in our modern world. When hearing the term, many have images of their grandparents being chaperoned by their parents with their special someone.

Unlike today’s trend, in those days, courting was about getting to know your potential partner as much as possible in a safe, pure environment (as is also a trend among Christians). Often, these courtships led to successful marriages that lasted lifelong. There is a fast forward to today’s dating scene and we see one night stands, and high divorce rates.

In other words, dating is about having fun where partners enjoy each other. It is not really serious thing, but it is where someone just wants to look around. It is based totally on partners’ choice without seeking any wise advice of godly parents or godly Christians, especially pastor.

Dating starts as soon as possible and anything goes as it is defined by the world. Again, in dating, partners let the flesh decide what is wrong or right to do. Dating is surrounded by lots of temptation and guilt, trial and error with a great deal of disappointments. Since it is based on how partners feel about the other person, it usually ends in massive heartache and ultimate distrust.
 
I do concur with Dr. Wyatt that indeed, it is now time for Christians to resurrect the idea of courting and redefine what godly relationships should look like. Courtship, in on the other hand, is a fact-finding mission about a prospective spouse. It about finding out the character of a potential spouse by asking them about what they believe about God and about life, and then finding out from their family and friends if their life matches their beliefs.

Thus, courtship is family and starts only when people are spiritually ready and serious about marriage. It is not necessarily true that a person who is still at the secondary school would enter into courtship. This would ruin his or concentration on studies and preparation for the future. People should enter into courtship only when they are spiritually ready.

Courtship is based on how God is directing your life for His glory. Therefore, it yields very little temptation, yet great joy for obeying God. Thus, it usually ends with a life-long mate, with few disappointments.

The tools of Godly Courtship
Dr. Wyatt Fisher lists four main tools that define courtship that leads to a life-long relationship among Christians.

1. Courtship is spiritual: Therefore, we should intentionally court other Christians. The Holy Spirit instructs us; “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness; and what communion hath light with darkness?” 2 Cor. 6:14.  

Unfortunately, many people compromise this principle because they are unable to find enough Christian singles to date. However, we would find it easier and satisfying to connect with fellow Christians because they share our values, beliefs, and worldview. In addition, courting other believers creates wonderful opportunities to do spiritual activities together, such as attending church, Christian concerts, reading the Bible, and serving. These activities will help us to not only grow closer with God, but closer to one another as well.

2. Mental: Courtship requires people with proper mental capacity. Unfortunately, our sex saturated culture encourages people to lust over the person they are pursuing, which is dishonorable both to God and to them. However, the Bible tells us to take captive every negative thought to make it obedient to Christ by edifying them with our mind (2 Corinthians 10:5).
 
Surely, an outward force is not the method to go by in courtship, but by the power of truth and the meekness of thoughts. Sense of right and wrong (conscience) is accountable to God only; and people must be persuaded to God and their responsibility, not driven by external force.

3. Emotional: Courtship demands that partners must be able to express their emotion in order to build healthy relationship. However, many people in the dating scene today withhold their emotions for various reasons. For instance, some will withhold their emotion because they do not want to be hurt again as in previous negative experiences. Still others do so because they are only concerned about their personal gain and physical pleasure.

These approaches and others hinder true intimacy. Instead, if the connection feels safe and warranted, we must allow ourselves to develop authentic feelings to cultivate god-honoring relationships.  We must also be willing to share our emotions about life, others, and them to allow our hearts to become slowly integrated. Courtship is a place where we express ourselves to our partner so that he /he learns and understand what we like or dislike. Expression of our emotion speaks a lot about us.

4. Physical: Courtship requires giving a great respect to physical sensation. Sexual union is "physical intimacy, and is only holy, pure and undefiled only within marriage. In our modern society, sex is promoted as casual and meaningless everywhere. Consequently, most people in the dating scene expect to have sex within the first few dates. However, as Christians, we must ascribe to a higher set of morals that honor God by preserving sex for marriage alone.

When sex is permitted before marriage, it often becomes the focal point of the relationship, stunting the emotional, social, and spiritual areas of intimacy needed for a successful long-term relationship. Also, when sex is acceptable, many men use women merely for physical gratification, leaving both partners feeling empty and unsatisfied. Therefore, we must develop a “no sex” policy with the special someone we are courting and commit to spending time with them in public to avoid sexual temptation and to keep our relationship moving in the right direction

Ethics for a Healthy Courtship
In a dating relationship, self-gratification is normally the basis of the relationship. Instead of focusing on God’s pleasure, the couple is often looking for personal pleasure. This oblivious self-centeredness can lead only to dissatisfaction, promoting an attitude of lust rather than the Scriptural attitude of love.

Consequently, dating opens the door to many temptations, trial and errors with a lot of disappointments.  If stirring up desires that cannot be righteously satisfied occurs, the couple can foolishly and tragically give away both emotional and physical affections that should have been reserved for a life partner. Thus, in a dating relationship, frequently intimacy precedes commitment.

A courting couple can avert and overcome numerous temptations by the choice to be held accountable to God-given authorities. The dangers of defrauding can be avoided more successfully, and an honest, open friendship can be nurtured and protected. Thus, in courtship, commitment precedes intimacy.

In order to avert such temptations, there are guidelines that need to apply in their courtship life. Understanding and applying the following guidelines will result not only in a marriage pleasing to God, but also one that will be the most rewarding for us. It provides the foundation for winning the world for Christ. Partners MUST observe and apply these principles in their courtship.

1. Right Focus: (Col. 3:17; 1 Cor. 10:31) : In marriage, as well as every other area of life, our purpose is to glorify God. Anything contrary to the will of God, we must mortify it (Lk 9:23,24) – reject it as dead. If our focus is to bring God the glory, then we must be careful to find the right spouse, His way. And, be willing to wait on God to provide the right spouse.
 
2.  Right People (Gen 2:18): God specifically created a help meet for Adam that was suitable for him. Two people are not equals (God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve) but rather complements; i.e., each possessed mutually affirming gifts, strengths and insights. Each was incomplete without the other. Each person had qualities that the other needed to fulfill his duties before God.

3. Right Counsel (Pr 23:22; 20:18): Dating is a modern substitute for wise counsel and lots of prayer! Too many parents do not really know their children because by the time that their kids become teenagers, they spend virtually no time with them. But if parents have fulfilled their Biblical role faithfully, they should know their children better than anyone else in the world.
 
4. Right Mind (Phil. 2:1, 2): The first thing to be in motion when courting is having a right MIND – not only following your heart or emotions. The mind of Christ seeks to not only find fulfillment, but to fulfill other lives sacrificially, as a servant of others. Your MIND must be in charge of the relationship, over the heart (Jer. 17:9) because the heart will get you in trouble if allowed to do what it wants.
 
5. Right Hearts (Phil. 2:3-4): The goal of any relationship is ministry, not manipulation. We are not to seek to have our own needs met, but rather meet the needs of others. Yet usually marriages are made because young people think that a certain person will meet their "needs." Instead, we must see life as a process of giving up rights, and taking on responsibilities.

A single person MUST learn how to be "other-oriented" in their thinking. Otherwise they are only going to be a taker in the relationship, and a destroyer of the relationship. Selfishness, pure and simple, is the cause of most marital disasters. Both man and woman must make genuine sacrifices to make a godly marriage. If one or both of the people are not ready or able to make those sacrifices, then they are not suitable marriage partners.

6. Right Qualifications (Eph 5:22-f; Prov. 31:12-f; 1Pet 3:1-7): The best indicator of future performance is past performance. If you want to know what a person is going to be like in the future, just take a long, hard look at where he has been. Yes, it is the grace and glory of the gospel that God transforms sinners. Yet even so, when deciding a mate for our children, the past is a great indicator of what they can expect down the road. Therefore, look for potential husbands who possess leadership ability. Does he know his calling and is he working diligently at it?

God’s Law:
God’s law required a man to pay a bride’s father roughly equivalent to three years' labor. This quickly demonstrated:
•    That the boy can save and manage money and thus financially provide for the family (1 Tim 5:8).
•    That the boy respects the wife enough to sacrifice his own current wants for the building of a home.
 The Bible asks:
 Is he good father material (Col 3:19-21, Eph 6:1-2)? Look at his own father for insights as to how he will handle frustration, anger, fear, etc. Does the boy's father trust his wife, love her (Eph 5:21-33), nurture and care for her (Pr 31:11), granting her honor as a fellow heir (1 Pet 3:7), understanding her and being gentle with her (1 Pet 3:7)? The way the boy's father treats his mother is likely the same way he will treat you or your daughter.

Is he a one-woman man (1Tim 3:2) or has he had lots of entanglements that could come back and haunt you both?

Is the boy sensible (Tit 2:6)?  Meaning, does he possess the general godly character qualities of an elder (1 Tim 3:1-ff.)? If not, then no matter how friendly, charming or attractive, look somewhere else.

In the same manner should a man inquire of a woman he desires to spend the whole of his life with. He must find out if she is Submissive in spirit (Eph 5:21-22) and respectful in their attitude and demeanor. Most women are extremely forceful because of the modern training of the feminism. They are desire to take the place of a husband in the marriage.

She must possess the characters that demonstrate that she will be a sensible wife; worker at home, kind, loving her husband and children (Tit 2:3-5). She must be sober and discreet so that the word of God may not be blasphemed. Find out if her mother does  good to her husband, and if she is industrious, charitable, skilled in her work, well-dressed (modestly so), good manager of resources and, of course, if she fears God (See 1 Tim 2:9-10, 1 Pet 3:3-4, Pr 31:22,30).

The same character must be reflecting in her daughter whom a man desires to marry. If a woman lacks the qualities necessary for any of these before marriage, there is no way of knowing if she will ever develop them afterwards. Therefore, parents ought to make it a point to examine potential mates according to objective, Biblical criteria. If they don't meet the qualifications, then no matter how attractive they are, they are not suitable for marriage.

 7. Right Distance (1Cor 7:1-5; Gen 2:24): If all the other principles above are dealt with, then this one will be easy. If the heart is not submissive to God’s way, then no amount of warnings and walls will stop two people from committing fornication. There is a right amount of distance that must be maintained between two unmarried people (Pr 6:27-29) no touching. In our two-year long courtship with Lawrent, we had never touched one another, except hugging in public.  Touching, clinging, and cleaving to each other begun after we got married.
 
Violating this principal means no amount of determination and repenting will stop you from God’s judgment (Heb 13:4). Since one of the most important decisions we will make is the decision of marriage, we should make every effort to know and do God’s will in this area. A dating relationship is usually based only on what the dating couple presently knows about each other. In contrast, a Biblical courtship is based on what God knows about each partner and on His plans for their futures. Jesus gave this instruction with a promise:

 “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you” Matt. 6:33.

When a person makes a growing relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ the foundation of all decision, God will provide all that is needed, including the marriage partner prepared by God just for that person (See Proverbs 18:22, 19:14). It is, therefore, very important that Godly Christian parents must nurture these truths into their young children. Young men and women need to evaluate just how much they are willing to “wait” until marriage, and to let God prepare them for this most important of all life’s treasures. The fruit of living godly is eternal. The pleasures of sin are only for a season.

                    About The Author
Bishop Dr. Blackson Makhumba is  a Life Coach, Marriage Therapist, Church and Community Mobilizer, NGO/CBO management trainer, Bible Teacher, Church Leadership Trainer, Author and Pastor. He is serving under Living Waters Church International in Malawi where he is a Principal at Wings of Eagle Bible College- Mzuzu. Before responding to a full time pastoral call, Blackson had served in various leadership positions as a young adult leader and church elder in Baptist and Living waters respectively, since 1984.  He holds Doctor of Ministry, Masters of Biblical studies and Bachelor of Apologetics & Theology from Trinity Graduate School of Apologetics and Theology of Cochin University in India.  He is also a founder and principal Director of Divine Charisma Foundation for Social Action and Ministry based in the northern region of Malawi (Mzuzu).  
 
Dr. Makhumba B has many books in his credit; Why do Christians suffer, Life and Abortion (Counting the Cost) ; The Personal Work,  The Mystery of a Happy Marriage, I know Who I am, Effective Communication, The Shaky Foundations, Fearfully and Wonderfully Made. Etc. He is happily married to Charity Lawrent Mwale with three kids (Agape Chanju (19), Melchizedek Urunji (13), and Comfort Mneneri (6).