Why So Many Unhappy Marriages

Our society is full of unhappy married couples. It is not uncommon to find a frustrated wives or husbands who openly confess that they are still with their spouses just for the sake of the children they have together, otherwise they would have divorced long time ago. Thus, they are not still together because they are happy, but because they would not allow their children grow without both parents being together. The two live like co-owners of an orphan care, not as a husband and wife.

There are many reasons why many married couples are unhappy. In fact, sixty percent of such marriages end in divorce world over today. Surely, answers and solutions to unhappy marriages are not in marriage seminars or counseling sessions (these sessions are import though), but that a husband and his wife must put their trust in the Lord Jesus Christ.

The Bible gives the best response to our present day marriage predicament. First, we must know that every marriage has an enemy.

“The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly “John 10:10.

Every peaceful and happy marriage is a living thing, and anything living, the devil desires to steal, kill and destroy; his threefold ministries. Satan is willing to kill anything that has life. He has killed so many marriages and families. Already he has killed many marriages and families, and he always roars like a lion looking for someone to devour (1 Pet.5:8).

Another reason for lack of peace and happiness in the marriage is because the world in which we live affects our thinking. Some told me that we need to understand that God formed us, the environment informs us, the devil (sin) deforms us. So, as we are informed by the things around us, we begging conforming ourselves to the ways of the world. Many marriages are in shambles due to the conformation to the worldly systems.  We are to be different Rom.12:2).

Our inherited sin nature has also contributed a lot to many of the problems we face in life. Each one of us has an inherited sin nature from Adam. We are told in Galatians 5:16, “This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.” There exist a great struggle between the flesh and the spirit man in us. Each of the two wants to have authority of our being. Thus, any marriage that is le by the desires of the flesh crushes.

Many marriages also crumble down because the partners put much emphasis on false goals. These may include mere happiness, social status, financial benefits etc. All these have made it difficult for the marriages to survive, especially why these expectations are not met.

Mistaken Reasons for Marriage
As earlier explained, many people have wrong reasons for entering into marriage covenants. As a result, they meet a lot of challenges since their expectations are not coming their way. Many marriages are in mess today due to entering marriage for wrong reasons.  I would concur with Dr. Barbara De Angelis who, in her book "Are You The One For Me?" gives some wrong reasons for marrying, and I co-concurringly list some of these reasons here:

1. Wealth, influence or social status: Many marry for financial security, influence and power, popularity and social status. However, the Bible says,

 “But they that will be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition. For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows” 1 Tim 6:9-10. (See also Lk. 12:15- 21; 1 John 2:15-17, John 12:42-43).
Many people, in course of their greed for money have miss out a great gain for their lives. They fail to rejoice in spite of having the necessities of life. The fact is, those who are content with what they have are happier than those looking for more than what they have now. Those who crave for money and material will fall prey to many sorrows, and many wander away from God. Marriage is not founded own wealth and popularity.

2. Pressure: This is the influence friends, family, society and your own psyche place upon you that give the message "You should be in a relationship, and if you’re not something is wrong with you. Parents and guardians often help create the mind-set in our youth that life isn’t fulfilling without marriage. This starts from the cradle when the mother holds her son in her arms and repeatedly pronounces these unfortunate words: "I can’t wait for you to grown up, get married, and bring me some grand children." Or "I hope you grow up to be a good wife."

These phrases seem healthy and normal, but in reality they are meaningless to developing children whose goals should be not marriage but blossoming into a person with a well-balanced character. These tender children are gradually being robbed of the wholesome concept that the single life is a gift from God and a time to cherish and love. Forming character is more important than planning for marriage.

3. Escaping from problems in their previous home life: There are some who enter marriage in order to escape a miserable or boring home life. It might be that a girl or a woman is not happy with parents or siblings. So, in order to be free from these miseries she may decide to get married. Considering that she may not found a place to stay alone, she decides to find a man who can give her shelter. This too has put many in troubles. Sometimes one encounters more miseries in marriage than what was at home.

As a divine institution, marriage should no be rushed into, but it needs a thorough preparation. We need to prepare for marriage with sober mind, not grudging and it should not be a city of refuge.

4. Just to feel like somebody wanted them: Some people have felt unloved, unattended to, rejected or inferior all their life (2 Tim. 3:1-5). In order to feel loved, they enter into marriage unprepared. Usually such people are totally self-centered and usually think of themselves only. They seek to satisfy their desires at the expense of their would-be partner.

Marriage based on such reasoning usually gives bad result to the couple. One of them, the pursuer, becomes a victim of abuse in the home, knowing she or he cannot leave the marriage. Such partners suffer silently in the homes. I have counseled many of them. The foundation of any marriage matters most for its future life.

5. On rebound from a broken relationship: Many people marry out of revenge and to punish another person. You are proving to them that you are still attractive and are not an old cargo. These types of “Let him/her feel pain’ is common among the young adults. They think they are playing a love game, yet such marriages bring many negative results.

6. All my friends are married: Many feel it is in up-to-minute (fashionable) thing to do. They find themselves under peer pressure since all their mates are getting married. I went through this peer pressure when I was between 23 and 28 years of age. By His grace, God kept me safe and I wedded my wife Lawrent when I was 30 years old, and that was when I was prepared. I realized one thing: the choice I make today will affect me all of my life.

7. Sexual Drives: I have come across some people who are so sexually driven that they end up seeking someone to satisfy their sexual desires more than long-lasting intimate relationships. Some expect that when they are married, they will spend time with their spouses having sex and satisfy themselves. Unfortunately, this is not what their partner might have thought to do in their marriage.

Some people even act as if they are "on heat" like dogs, and during those times they may enjoy their love life because the lover shares their passion. However, this passion remains for a while, usually until the wedding day, but after the wedding day it diminishes into the abyss of frustration and pain.

 8. Desperation: Advancing stage forces some to get married. However, too many individuals only get married because they are desperate or lonely. Dr. Angelis rightly says that ‘when you are feeling lonely or desperate, you are much more likely to make poor love choices and end up in unfulfilling relationships.’ A lonely and desperate person will remain lonely after marriage. Some people are so emotionally empty that they are desperate for anyone to marry, even the wrong and incompatible person. In the end these persons end up in a painful relationship.

9. For dependence: You want somebody to provide for you or to keep a house and cook for you. You have always depended on someone. I was employed as a sales analysis clerk in a wholesale store in 1995 (I was 27 years old) and wedded my wife Lawrent three years later (1998). However, I had 3 fellow workers who were employed some months or a  year after me, but they all eloped their wives within the period of two weeks after being employed. Each one was giving the same reason, “I could not stay alone, to take care of the house. I needed someone.”

There are too many people who enter marriage simply because they want to be "taken care of." They want someone who can cook or keep the house for them, or someone who will supply their daily needs. These persons usually become dependent emotionally on those they love.

10. They think we make a good couple. There are also many who enter into marriage because our family members or friends, church members think we can make a good couple. Usually, such marriages happen among childhood friends. Many think that because the two have grown up together, they can make a good couple.  

11. Beauty Trophy: I have witnessed many of my childhood friends who have married because the woman looked beautiful and attractive in the description. For instance, Ernest would always tell me the kind of woman he would like to marry; his description was outside features, not the character. He wanted to marry a beautifully looking, cultured and sexy woman, but I had always wanted to marry a woman with the fear of the Lord, and that is what God has given me, yet beautiful inside out.   

Remember, favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that fears the LORD shall be praised (Proverbs 31: 30). Just as the grass withers and flowers fade, the physical beauty. Thus, the elegance of manner is deceitful and beauty of shape and facial appearance will always fade with time.

12. Guilt or to cover a mistake: There are many who enter into marriage relationships because they feel guilty to leave the person because they did not treat him or her nicely as expected. Some even do so because they feel sorry for the person. Sometimes, n this lustful and promiscuity age, it is not uncommon to find couples entering into marriage to cover up a pregnancy out of wedlock.

This ‘we-must-get-married’ is a quick fix formula that has led many to regret their actions. However, such relationships end up in partners reaping each other off. Anything built on any of the above foundations does not deepen roots into the depth of stability and continuity.

C. What To Do
In every marriage, foundation matters. All the above motivations for marriage are false and costly. Getting married is a built-in natural desire God has given most of us. However, stewardship of singleness or life before marriage is the first requirement. Many are unfaithful stewards of their single life, thus plummeting themselves into marriage for the wrong reasons.

A Counseling Psychologist, Marriage & Family Therapist Barrington H. Brennen of Sound of Encouragement, Nassau in the US believes that there would be more successful marriages, if people would take the time to know themselves first before they seek to explore the mind of someone else. It is very easy to mistake physical passion, or romantic infatuation for genuine, long-lasting love. One of the ways to prevent getting married for the wrong reasons is not to date until you are ready for a romantic relationship that may lead to marriage.

Why get seriously "in love" with someone and you have no intentions of getting married to that person or not for a long time? If the relationship is too long, there is a great risk of the relationship getting stale and the couple spending lots of time patching up bad feelings. When the time comes for marriage, they are more in love with love itself than with each other. They would have gotten married for the wrong reason.

A great mistake young people make is that they never allow themselves to experience a significant period of their young life unattached. From the time they understand the meaning of the word love they have serious relationships, which often cause them to expend their energy in extremely long telephone calls, sleepless nights and failing grades, loss of appetites, etc.

Thus, they miss the joy of developing genuine friendships that do not lead to romance. Remember, dating puts one out of circulation. That is, we are locked off from establishing other relationships. When we start "going out of circulation" too early in life, we will end up in a marriage that will lock us away from a world of happiness, freedom, and growth. This is one reason why pre-marriage counseling for all couples is vital. Dear readers, avoid getting married for the wrong reasons.

About The Author

Bishop Dr. Blackson Makhumba is  a Life Coach, Marriage Therapist, Church and Community Mobilizer, NGO/CBO management trainer, Bible Teacher, Church Leadership Trainer, Author and Pastor. He is serving under Living Waters Church International in Malawi where he is a Principal at Wings of Eagle Bible College- Mzuzu. Before responding to a full time pastoral call, Blackson had served in various leadership positions as a young adult leader and church elder in Baptist and Living waters respectively, since 1984.  He holds Doctor of Ministry, Masters of Biblical studies and Bachelor of Apologetics & Theology from Trinity Graduate School of Apologetics and Theology of Cochin University in India.  He is also a founder and principal Director of Divine Charisma Foundation for Social Action and Ministry based in the northern region of Malawi (Mzuzu).  
 
Dr. Makhumba B has many books in his credit; Why do Christians suffer, Life and Abortion (Counting the Cost) ; The Personal Work,  The Mystery of a Happy Marriage, I know Who I am, Effective Communication, The Shaky Foundations, Fearfully and Wonderfully Made. Etc. He is happily married to Charity Lawrent Mwale with three kids (Agape Chanju (19), Melchizedek Urunji (13), and Comfort Mneneri (6).